Month: October 2019

God designed sex and marriage to go together.  Marriage is the union of two souls, and God made sex to be the union of two souls.  Sex communicates marriage and, thus, belongs in marriage.  Everything about sex points to marriage, so we now need to talk about sex within marriage.  I intend to briefly give some principles that apply to the sexual relationship within marriage.  No particular order, and these are not exhaustive. 

1.  Sex within marriage is clean and encouraged.  Sometimes Christians bring into their marriage the notion that sexual activity is sinful or dirty.  This is because while they were single, sexual activity was sinful, and they can’t change their thinking.  They viewed sex as something to avoid instead of something to be enjoyed at the right time.  The difference in those ways of thinking is crucial.  One sees sex as inherently bad; the other as inherently good.  If you view sex as inherently bad, then when you marry, your idea of sex will cause problems and will need to change.  Within marriage, husbands and wives have great sexual freedom, and they need to understand that fact.

2.  The sexual relationship is part of the overall relationship.  You can’t divorce sex from the day-to-day life of the marriage.  Western culture is often guilty of this problem.  It treats sex merely as a physical act, and husbands and wives sometimes buy into that lie.  Sex is not merely physical, and because it is not merely physical, it is an integrated part of the overall relationship in the marriage.  Sex affects the marriage, and the marriage affects sex. 

This means that sexual problems often result from marital problems.  Arguments affect sexual desire.  A mechanical, business-like relationship between spouses gets carried over to the marriage bed.  A lack of trust or respect dooms a healthy sex life.  Don’t ever think you can treat sex as an add-on to your marriage.  Sex is an expression of what your marriage already is, not a separate practice you get to do.   If spouses want to improve their sexual relationship, they usually need to improve their marital relationship. 

Indeed, the hardest part of sex is usually the relationship.  A healthy sexual relationship requires commitment and trust in the rest of the relationship.  It requires a husband to cherish his wife in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere.  She is not a sex object for him to consume.  She is a precious lady for him to love.  He is to be passionately in love with her when they are not in the bedroom.  And the wife is to honor her husband in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere.  He is not a blind fool for her to criticize or disrespect.  He is a leader she must honor. 

Sex does not begin in the bedroom.  It begins in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere.   When a husband and wife live out a committed, passionate, loving, one-flesh relationship, they set the stage for a thriving sexual relationship.  But when they fail to show commitment, trust, passion, or respect in their everyday relationship, they undermine their sexual relationship. 

3.  Because the sexual relationship reflects the overall relationship, sex can be a good barometer of a marriage.  Can be.   Sexual problems in marriage are symptoms of something else.  Sometimes the cause of a sexual problem is a health issue.  Sometimes the cause is past sexual promiscuity or abuse.  But often the cause is a relational issue between husband and wife. 

Therefore, husbands and wives should pay attention to their sexual relationship because it often communicates more than they think. 

4.  Sex is to be given.  In sex, the husband freely gives his body to his wife in order to please her, and the wife freely gives her body to her husband in order to please him  (I Cor 7:3-4).  Therefore, when a husband demands sex from his wife, he violates what sex is.  Husbands should never coerce sex.  It must be freely given.  And wives need to see sex as a gift to their husbands.  The wife may not always be in the mood but may give herself to her husband anyway simply because she loves him and wants to please him.  A marriage in which husband and wife strive in the sexual relationship not for their own pleasure but for the pleasure of their spouse is a marriage built for both a rich sexual relationship and a deep overall relationship.

5.  Husbands and wives need to talk about their sexual relationship.  This may be a bit awkward at first, but it is important for two reasons.  First, the sexual relationship is significant in its own right.  It affects and is affected by the overall relationship.  Second, a man is not a woman.  Men and women typically enter marriage with different sexual desires, drives, and expectations.  Men tend to be more aroused by visual stimulation and women by the relationship.  Men tend to be more quickly aroused.  Sexually, a man is a microwave, while a woman is a slow cooker.  Men tend to want to have sex more often than women.  These are general statements with exceptions, but when you see these differences, you see the need to talk.   In sex, the microwave and the slow cooker need to go at the same pace.   Husbands and wives, thus, need to communicate well, be understanding and patient with their spouse, and be willing to give up what may please them in order to please their spouse.  If couples never talk about these differences, they are asking for unresolved conflict.  Sex is deeply intimate and discussing it presents an opportunity for couples to build trust and to learn how to please their spouse, thereby deepening the relationship.

Remember, sex is a gift.  When you give a gift, don’t you want to give something that pleases the recipient?  The way to learn what pleases your spouse is to ask and to talk openly about sexual issues. 

6.  The sexual relationship develops over time.  If you stop and think about it, isn’t this common sense?  Doesn’t every other aspect of your relationship develop over time?  Why would we think sex is different?  Sex is something that healthy couples grow in.  Their sexual relationship can be much richer after forty years than it was when they were newlyweds.  Or it can be worse.   A lack of time, a loss of trust, a critical spirit, pornography, an affair, or bad health can all negatively affect the sexual relationship at any time.  Sometimes you hear couples talk about growing in their love for one another over the years.  Such growth is a real phenomenon, and because the overall relationship often spills into the marriage bed, this growth in love can deepen the sexual relationship.  This fact often surprises people who consume large doses of Hollywood.  In Hollywood, by and large, sex is at its peak when people are young.  In the real world, however, this is not necessarily the case.  Listen to Proverbs:  “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth”  (5:18).  The phrase, “wife of your youth” suggests that Solomon is addressing an older man, and the surrounding text encourages a healthy sexual life.  Here is how it continues: “A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” (5:19-20).  God intended sex to be like good wine that improves with age and not like milk that spoils in two weeks.  The marriage night should be the first step and not the pinnacle of the sexual relationship. 

SHE: “Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful . . . His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!  I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem . . . that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 1:17; 2:6-7)

HE: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” (Song of Solomon 2:13)

Lord, You have blessed marriage with sex, and you have blessed sex with marriage.  Thank you for putting those blessings together and making our lives richer because of it. 

If I am going to talk about gender issues and marriage, I’m afraid at some point I have to talk about sex, and I want to begin by talking about real people.

A young, single friend of mine came to me one day to confess with tears that he had lost his virginity the previous weekend.

A single woman I knew, with great regret, told me she had had sex with a man I knew.

A young dating couple in tears confessed that they had had sex on a trip they had just taken together. 

These are all true stories that show that sex is not like other human drives.  People don’t break down in tears because they ate too much sushi last night.  Food is food.  It is necessary for our bodies, but it doesn’t touch our souls as sex does.   In sex you give to another person your body, soul, heart, emotions, and spirit.  In sex you give it all.  Sex is not just another human appetite.  The regret and pain common when people engage in illicit sex result from the realization that they just gave everything to someone they had no business giving everything to.  Sex is the physical expression of a one-flesh union, but sex is not merely physical because a one-flesh union is not primarily physical. 

Sex is God’s invention.  Within marriage, He encourages it, commands it, and even applauds it.  The one thing you must never do is think that Christians are prudes who believe sex to be some dirty, evil act we must avoid at all costs.  On the contrary, Christians have a much higher view of sex than the rest of the world.  If the Western world is correct, and people can engage in consensual sex with anyone they please at anytime they please, and if sex requires no commitments, no uniting of lives, then sex is not much different from what the dogs do. 

Christians do not believe this.  God designed sex to be a holy act.  Because marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, sex is a re-enactment of the union between Christ and the church.  It displays the oneness we have in Christ and the ecstasies that shall be ours in glory.  Indeed, when we unite ourselves with Christ, we shall one day experience a revelry and joy that will make sexual pleasure seem like cleaning the tub. 

Thus, Christians view sex as a wonderful gift from God, but they do not believe that sex is the ultimate pinnacle of life.  Within marriage, sex may be a holy act, but it cannot fulfill you.  The quest for fulfillment through sexual pleasure is tragic and sinful.  It produces empty, broken lives.  People need to see sex under God in its proper place.  Otherwise, it becomes a god that people enslave themselves to.  It rises to a central place in their lives, sometimes to the point that people even identify themselves on the basis of their sexual expression. 

Sex does not define you.  You are no more special or successful because you have sex, nor less so if you are a virgin.  Your identity is not tied to sexual expression, as if who you are is nothing more than your sexual desire.  To make your identity a sexual preference is to deny who God says you are and to inflate the importance of sex.  Sexual identity is a modern concept and is more the product of a sex-saturated and sex-infatuated culture than the reflection of who you are.  As good as sex is, it is not that central to life.

So what are the purposes of sex?

1.  Sex reflects a one-flesh union.  In marriage a man and woman become one flesh (Gen 2:24-5; Matt 19:3-6).  In sex, a man and woman become one flesh.  Paul says that the reason a man should not have sex with a prostitute is this: “. . . do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her?  For, as it is written, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’” (I Cor 6:16)  Paul’s point is not that a one-flesh relationship is nothing more than sex but that sex enacts the one-flesh relationship.  He is shocked that people would consider becoming one body with someone they are not one with.

2.  Sex expresses your love for, your oneness to, and your pleasure in your spouse .  When you read Song of Solomon, you find that the husband and wife are constantly expressing their love for the other and their delight in the other in the context of what can only be described as the sexual act.  They speak with their words, but they speak with their bodies as well.  In sex, your body says, “ “I am yours . . . completely.”  Sex says, “I love you.”  Sex says, “You are the only one for me.”  Sex says, “We are completely one.”  Sex says, “You are my delight.”  Sex communicates all of these ideas, and it does so with body and soul. 

3.  Sex gives.  This truth is contrary to Western culture, which is extraordinarily self-focused when it comes to sex.  Scripture says this: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.”  (I Cor 7:3)  This text refers to sex, and when it addresses the husband, it tells him to give; and when it addresses the wife, it tells her to give.  If you read on, you find out why: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.  Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (I Cor 7:4)  In other words, the wife’s body is meant for her husband, and the husband’s body is meant for his wife.  God’s purpose in sex is not to see what pleasure you can get out of it but to give yourself fully to increasing the pleasure of your spouse.  Sex was never meant to be a self-focused endeavor.  That attitude is always dysfunctional. 

4.  Sex strengthens marriage.  This purpose flows naturally out of the purposes mentioned above.  Because sex reenacts the one-flesh union, it serves as a reminder that husband and wife are one.  Because sex says, “I am completely yours . . . you are the only one for me . . . I love you with all I have,” it reinforces the bond between husband and wife.  Because sex gives to the other person everything, it unites souls.  Sex reinforces the marriage bond. 

I do not mean that all couples will experience such reinforcement merely by having sex.  Sex is not a panacea for marital dysfunction, but within the proper context, it does strengthen a marriage.  Exercise strengthens a person’s overall health, but it is not the solution to every illness.  Exercise is merely one piece of a regimen for a healthy body; sex is merely one piece of a regimen for a healthy marriage.  When sex reflects the one-flesh union that a husband and wife live daily, it reinforces that union; but when sex enacts a one-flesh union that the couple never lives, it is incomplete.     

5.  Sex is for reproduction.  Sometimes people want to focus on the recreational aspects of sex and ignore this, but when God created male and female, He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28).  In other words, God commanded them to have sex for the purpose of having children.  Marriage and children go together.  I don’t mean that all couples are able to have children, but I do mean that if you marry at an age appropriate for children and if you have no health issues precluding children, you need to be open to having children.  God may or may not grant children, but that is His prerogative, not yours.  Sex is for reproduction.

Why do Christians restrict sex to marriage?

This is a common question people ask, but if you have read thus far, the answer should be obvious.  God designed sex intentionally for marriage. 

Sex acts out in a multidimensional way the marriage commitment.  Sex portrays a one-flesh relationship.  Literally.  Sex portrays marriage.  Sex communicates commitment, even if that commitment is unspoken.  When a man has sex with a woman, he is making a promise to her, even if he denies that promise with his words.  When a man has sex with a woman, they are telling each other that they are one and that they completely belong to each other.  When a man has sex with a woman, he gives to her a piece of himself that she will have the rest of her life.  The sexual act does all of the above quite apart from intent.  This is why Christians reserve sex for marriage. 

Sex apart from marriage is an absolute lie, for it communicates a oneness that does not exist.  It says, “I am completely yours” to someone you have not committed your life to.  It gives away body and soul to someone you don’t intend to share body and soul with.  To become one with someone sexually without becoming one in marriage is deceitful and cruel.  You say one thing with your body, but you don’t mean what you say. 

Sex is a powerful force.  When people handle fire, they put restrictions on how they handle it.  When people work with electricity, they put restrictions on how they do so.  Sex is fire.  Sex is electricity.  Handled the right way, it can light a city, but handled the wrong way, it can burn that city to the ground.  You cannot handle sex any way you please without severe consequences. 

The Western world for roughly the past sixty years has been ignoring God’s restrictions when it comes to sex.  It frequently calls the Christian sexual ethic prudish, backwards, obtuse, and cruel.   You might as well tell the electrician that he is backwards and cruel for commanding people to stop picking up live wires with their bare hands.  The Western world is largely blind to the damage of unrestricted sex.  It says that sex is a beautiful expression that two people who love each other should be able to engage in when they want. 

The Christian heartily agrees with that last statement, but the Christian says that if those two people truly love each other, let them commit their lives to one another.  If they will not commit their lives in marriage, then let’s have none of this nonsense talk of loving one another.  They don’t love one another.  Let them marry.  Then they will find that sex is a beautiful expression that two people who love one another should be able to engage in when they want. 

Make no mistake.  God made sex for marriage.  Within marriage, it is a beautiful and powerful force for uniting a husband and wife and creating new life.  But outside marriage sex is sin.  It kills marital intimacy and divides marital oneness.  Those who practice extramarital sex hurt themselves, their sexual partners, and marriage itself.

If you have sinned sexually, please know that God offers cleansing and forgiveness through Jesus.  God can restore you and can heal your marriage (or your future marriage), but for God to do so, you will have to repent and trust in the Cross of Christ to cover your sin and make you new.  But please do know that you have great hope in Christ. 

This blog has dealt primarily with introductory matters: What is sex?  What are its purposes?  Why does God put restrictions on it?  Next week, we will talk about some principles for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship within marriage. 

Walk with Him.